My Debt

Sometimes I experience restrictions, demands, limitations, setbacks and disappointments that feel unusual for someone my age or with my resources.  I might be inclined to react with resentment or frustration. Then, I think of my past errors and I think, “See, I am paying the price!”

I must banish this thought from my mind. The inconveniences of my life, even if they should become much greater, could never repay the debt I owe. How could I restore what I have taken or denied those close to me, both the pain inflicted and any limitations of their own lives that might be due to me in any way? I’m thinking of Grannie, my parents, Paul, Don, Pamela, Marie, Suzanne, Marika, Heidi, Tristan, Nicholas, my coworkers and incipient friendships….  How can I repay God for my abuse and neglect of the gifts and mission entrusted to my very own soul?  The simple and obvious answer to both questions is that I cannot. No amount of good deeds henceforth can change that.

All I have to offer is absolute contrition and repentance, throwing myself at Jesus’s feet and pleading for his mercy.  As for my daily life, it must become an unlimited demonstration of humility, gratitude and generosity — all that is impossible without the constant presence and surrender to the Holy Spirit.

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