My Foolish Saga

Dear God,

The tragedy is that I know the questions and their answers, yet would subject it all to the ferrets and weasels that use my intellect in the “service” of obfuscation to the glory of my own transient ego.  God, I have seen the consequences in the faithless tragedy of my life — my saga of constant and repeated betrayals and negligence.  My sinfulness is epic, but not in the sense of a heroic drama — rather one of petty evils piled upon petty evils in a tale of mediocrity — a lack of courage rather than the vain and bold pursuit of a grand delusion.  Yet, much evil has resulted — the devastating legacy I have prepared for my family, and also the great betrayal of your trust.  You entrusted me with my soul before I was born into this excellent body and mind.  You gave me your Word, and challenges I could reasonably overcome, enough that I should be led to you before even reaching adulthood.  And then I turned away, choosing to glorify my own skepticism, the transient rewards of my fantasies and the temptations of the world, cynically casting your Word aside.

And so I languished, entertaining myself to the glory of my own little self, as independent as possible, even from my own fellow Man.  Never content, always looking to myself for satisfactions, and increasingly disgusted with the hopes of others.

Yet, increasingly, there were reflections of light that penetrated my defenses.  And so I came to pursue them for a time, each one as it came up.  And every time, I grew cold and wandered off again, returning to my old familiar rock of Adam — the place where courage was unnecessary and hope was limited to the moment unto itself.

Yet I dreamt of rising above it all, all the while refusing to admit that surrendering myself was the essential requirement to shattering the mirrors all around, to standing naked and exposed in your true light, to melting the barriers surrounding my heart, to the vulnerability of total surrender to you, to the ironic truth that it is only in submission that I might finally take on the great responsibility for the soul you entrusted to me — all this journey called life is meant to be a pilgrimage towards You.

I’ve done my worst to mess it up for the duration of what, for many, is a lifetime.

And yet your Holy Spirit hovers still, within me and all around.  And thus I feel your boundless mercy, the source of countless “second” chances.

Dear God, grant me the strength and courage that I might continue to look upon your light, with the help of your servants, aided and guided by your Holy Spirit, that I might dutifully walk your path of pilgrimage until my death.  Amen

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